Today I did my second contemporary dance class. I crushed halfway. By “crushing”, I mean that I had to rest at the corner for half of the class. I felt that my muscle is able to support me doing most of the movements, but my heart just could not support them. I felt dizzy, shortness of breathe and full of serotonin.

I am glad that I do not have any scheduled activity today other than doing things in front of computer and other things. At the same time, I don’t like seeing my physical limination in the lesson. I wanted to do more. The moves are not difficult. I just could not support them with my heart. I chose to rest at the corner because I didn’t want to pass out and be on an ambulance again.

Insread of recommending cardio practice and strengthening, the teacher actually recommended me to only use 50% or my energy and sharpening my move with time. I don’t like this approach, but I will have to rest for a few days and see whether my body is ready to do some independent exercises with on-demand videos. One thing I notice is how ballet and contemporary dance do not have the same intensity on me. With ballet, I am not at a stage where cardio is that critical. With contemporary dance, I think with my lifestyle, I would have to sharpen more skills and support in the future. That being said, I also have more prior exposure to ballet than contemporary dance… Which is not a bad thing that now I’m learning more about contemporary dance class.

I do like the feeling of full of serotonin again, though. It reminds me my life when I was on setraline. The first day when I took the antidepressant, I also had a similar feeling of almost passing out due to “overjoy” with serotonin. I have quitted antidepressant for almost a year, and while I am not depressed, I do miss the feeling of having the serotonin. This is an aspect that I have to think about in my daily life.